That’s not nice. I say this 20 times a day. When my baby pulls my hair (and this is often)…I tell her that’s not nice. When one of the big girls takes a certain colored cup just to make her sister mad…I say that’s not nice. I pull into the driveway and the dog has decided to chew up another random broom…okay I actually say something much worse but the gist of it is…that’s not nice. And…last but not least, when I feel myself sinking into a dark place with regards to my baby’s situation and jealousy creeps in or I find myself feeling angry at other’s “good” fortune with their perfectly healthy babies…I tell myself…that is not nice.
Some days, I scroll through Facebook and I see picture after picture and post after post of look what my kid can do kind of thing…and I am so annoyed. Some days I see tiny little ones walking through Walmart and I’m annoyed. Not just annoyed but angry. And it takes me all of two seconds to recognize that I’m not angry at the proud mom posting the picture. I’m not angry at the beautiful baby that’s walking through Walmart or climbing all over the furniture in a Facebook video or saying cute mispronounced words. No, I’m not mad at them at all. I’m happy for the proud mom. I have been and am the proud mom. There are NOT only a certain amount of healthy babies allotted to this world. Them having “normal” healthy babies didn’t take my chance at that. It is precious to see little ones learning new stuff and mispronounced baby words are one of my most favorite things in life! No…who I’m mad at is myself.
Why can’t I just be fine with all of this? Dusty thinks she’s perfect and progressing great…which she is. He’s right and that’s where he stays with it… Why do I have to stress and cry and worry about things that may never come to be? Why can I not just be happy that I have a beautiful little girl? There are so many people who would give anything to have a baby exactly like her. There are so many more (many I even personally know) that have been dealt much more severe situations. For all I know…Enslie may grow up and by the time she’s in kindergarten be just as crazy and “normal” as the other two. I have hope…and many people don’t. So, why then? Why can’t that be enough? Enslie is so happy. So, who am I worried about? Am I worried about her? Or am I worried about me? If she’s happy, am I just feeling sorry for myself? And, there’s where the anger slides in. I’m not a victim. I don’t want sympathy…not even from myself. Is that a thing? What I want is peace and to not be afraid. Fear of the unknown can be almost unbearable at times. And, we all know that fear is a liar. It is telling me that I need to know every single thing right now and that is simply not true. I know what I need to right now. I know what I need to be doing to help her and that is what I am doing. I desperately want peace about the whole situation and to know that ultimately it will all be okay. Some days, I have that peace. Some days, I do not. Today is one of the not days but I won’t let myself park here. I keep telling myself, I may just slow down a little and it might take me a minute or a month to get out of this dark place but I will. God loves Enslie even more than I do and he has big plans for her. If the worst thing that I have to do in this world is spend my life helping and loving that gorgeous girl…what do have to complain about?!?
So…I’ll keep scrolling through cute kid pics on Facebook or Instagram and I might have to scroll past once before I can go back and “like” them and that’s okay…cause I will go back. I do like them! I love them! I would never want someone to not share something good with me…being afraid I wouldn’t want to see/hear about it? That’s not who I am. I don’t wish bad things on others and I certainly don’t want to steal anyone else’s joy or prevent them from sharing it with the world! We have plenty negative things out there…sweet babies need more broadcasting! So, I will just continue to remind myself that these feelings are not nice and not real and I will proceed on with life. Annie Downs has it right…I do need to be brave enough to be where I am right now and I will.
Enough about me. An update on the princess for those wondering…she is currently crawling up on all fours. She pulls up when she feels like it. She gives the best hugs. She’s pretty frustrated right now…knowing what you want but not being able to physically get it can do that to a person. She wants me to kiss her neck ALL the time. She is feeding herself finger foods and we’re starting with a spoon. She can show you where her belly is. She can walk with us holding her hands. She is a mess and currently enjoys throwing everything…the dropsy game appears to be much more fun for her than it is for us. She is obsessed with opening and shutting doors. She gives high fives and waves. She says: yeah…in a very low growly voice and means it. I’ve told her that she has until Christmas to say Mom or she’s moving out. She doesn’t act real concerned… 🙂